Friday, October 07, 2005

In the same old place

I find it quite amusing. In the moment, it is torture. But when I pull back from myself, look at the situation, it is funny.

I'm talking about procrastinating.

You see, I have zero of fifteen pages written for a paper that's due on Monday. It involves a group presentation, which most of my group has been less than helpful. We meet for the one and only time to prepare the afternoon before.

Here's the catch, which two weeks from now I'll laugh at: I'm leaving in several hours to go on a prayer team retreat for the weekend. It goes through Sunday afternoon, but I decided I needed to leave early to work on the paper.

All of that to say this: I definitely haven't gotten life figured out. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I have the worst discipline. My priorities are jacked. I waste more than half of the waking day, and even some of that is taken up by sleep. I know certain things need to get done, but I avoid them. I retreat. I'm a coward. (Please don't mind this little confession).

I'm starting to figure out what my problem is. Mainly, it comes down to not applying myself. But there is more to it. You see, I want to live a life of meaning. I feel deep down in my soul that the life I live is lacking, and there seems to be this cloud about, blurring my vision, not allowing me to see where I'm at, who I'm with, who I am, what I am about.

Frustrated and confused, I lull the day away. I escape in the stories television portrays. I distract myself with sound bites, flashing images, virtual relationships, sleep.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - Jesus
Part of me is glad I get to go away for a bit and seek the Lord in prayer this weekend. I need to learn who I am in Him, his brother and friend. I know it in my mind, but not my heart. Not fully. Maybe then I can begin to see the cloud lifted and see clearly the full life God has for me.