Monday, October 31, 2005

I Want Blood!

And this isn't some stupid entry about Halloween. I truly want blood. I haven't been this livid over something for as long as I can remember. So I got a flat several weeks ago, got it patched, was installed incorrectly, destroyed my rim, blew out my tire, damaged my brake caliber... Went back today after getting second, third and fourth opinions, to see what compensation they plan to give me, and they denied all responsibility for the damage. It is going to cost me around $500 to get my car in safe condition again.

I email a professor, asking legal advice for what to do, but I don't know what he'll say. I want to sue them for free tires for life.

My blood is boiling.

Wednesday, October 12, 2005

Closer Than Skin

Yesterday was a good day. I saw God. Not as a physical manifastation, but in Spirit. It has been so long since I've felt God with me, truly with me and delighted to be with me. In that moment, God was fully realized. I have it wrong. There is never a time God is not with me, first of all. Second, He always is delighted when I approach Him. It is I who thinks God is disappointed and thus tolerates my approach. I understood yesterday. The Lord is always estatic for His children to come home. The Lord runs toward the prodigals. His love has no limit. There is no condition. It is free and freely given to those who accept it. And yesterday was the first time in a while when I remembered that, accepted it and felt again the strong love of God.

Why do we hide from the loving arms of God? Why do I? I think at some level it is a shame issue, at another level, a pride issue. I am too ashamed to present myself to God. I see my inadequacies dripping off me like sludge. I am daily Adam, fig leaf in place, aware of my nakedness and outside of God's design. Where are you, my son? Part of me is so calloused to the sludge and slime, it feels like an extension of my skin. That unnatural state makes me miserable. I start to question the fairness of my misery. How cruel of life to deal me this horrible hand. What kind of God allows such torment? Then I hear a whisper. I feel a hope arise within me. Is it freedom delivered? Seek and you shall find what you're looking for. Our received knowledge from the proverbial fruit gave us sight to the things of the world and simultaneously blinded us to the Spiritual things of God. We lose our vision of God's presence, His provision. His offering of mercy and righteousness.

And then something remarkable happens. The Lord, only through grace, reveals Himself in lovingkindness. We are exposed by God's brightness. We see our sin, we see the Lord, Jesus, and then it happens... We see there is no scorn on His face. He is delighted for He knows we see Him as He is, God delivered for us as payment for the sludge. And then we notice it. The filth is no more, for the darkness cannot be in the Light. We are naked before our redeemer, fully cleansed, unashamed and one with Him, closer than skin. And there is no other place on Earth as good as there in the warmth of His rays.

All that happened yesterday. Today... I here the whisper again. And it is the sweetest of sounds.

Friday, October 07, 2005

In the same old place

I find it quite amusing. In the moment, it is torture. But when I pull back from myself, look at the situation, it is funny.

I'm talking about procrastinating.

You see, I have zero of fifteen pages written for a paper that's due on Monday. It involves a group presentation, which most of my group has been less than helpful. We meet for the one and only time to prepare the afternoon before.

Here's the catch, which two weeks from now I'll laugh at: I'm leaving in several hours to go on a prayer team retreat for the weekend. It goes through Sunday afternoon, but I decided I needed to leave early to work on the paper.

All of that to say this: I definitely haven't gotten life figured out. I have been thinking about this a lot lately. I have the worst discipline. My priorities are jacked. I waste more than half of the waking day, and even some of that is taken up by sleep. I know certain things need to get done, but I avoid them. I retreat. I'm a coward. (Please don't mind this little confession).

I'm starting to figure out what my problem is. Mainly, it comes down to not applying myself. But there is more to it. You see, I want to live a life of meaning. I feel deep down in my soul that the life I live is lacking, and there seems to be this cloud about, blurring my vision, not allowing me to see where I'm at, who I'm with, who I am, what I am about.

Frustrated and confused, I lull the day away. I escape in the stories television portrays. I distract myself with sound bites, flashing images, virtual relationships, sleep.

"The thief comes only to steal and kill and destroy; I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full." - Jesus
Part of me is glad I get to go away for a bit and seek the Lord in prayer this weekend. I need to learn who I am in Him, his brother and friend. I know it in my mind, but not my heart. Not fully. Maybe then I can begin to see the cloud lifted and see clearly the full life God has for me.