Saturday, December 04, 2010

Miserable Affection

“For the Lord is righteous; he loves righteous deeds; the upright shall behold his face” (Psalm 11:7)

These last several weeks of defeat, bouncing back and forth between rebellion and repentance, has reminded me of the fact that the only good in me is that part of me touched and empowered by the Spirit of God inside of me. When I do good, it is the Lord’s life in me acting out good. What a glorious grace, that He would endure such grief to be with and in me! It breaks my heart and I hate all the more my frailty, my taintedness. I am angry at my state. I want to run far away from everything. And yet, there He is, persistently fixed to convince me of his radical devotion to me. I am undone by his love. I am humbled to a heap of sloppy mush, so uncomfortable in this acceptance, I know not what to do – I have no structure to act, to respond. I can’t even turn away from his loving gaze. I want to laugh at how pathetically helpless I am, rebuke Him for causing such discomfort. I am beholding the Lord’s face. He has made me upright by prostrating me with the weight of his love. He has made me righteous through the work of His Son, Jesus, on the cross. Enough already, God. Okay, maybe a little more.