My mental capacity is horribly inadequate. I cannot attain a satisfying understanding of why the world is as corrupt as it is; the problem is exasperated when the God factor is considered. How can He allow the suffering and evil if He is so good? If He is who He says He is, knowing all and will all in His absolute sovereignty, then how and why the torment of loss and death?
My faculties for improvement fare no better. I will myself to live righteously, according to the notions of good that I judge to be best, only to find I have a skewed concept of right and wrong, or my actions have unforeseen consequences that should have been understood, for they are nothing new. I make the same mistakes over and over again. I do not learn from my mistakes. I trust still that I know best and can dig myself out of the hole.
But then there is the issue of fear. How many wasted years have there been due to the fear of failure, rejection, abandonment, disappointment. The very things we fear come about because of our fear of them. They are self-produced. I fear failing, and therefore, do not do which leads to failure. I avoid loving and being loved because I do not want to be rejected, only to be rejected for my failure to provide the very thing people need and want.
I try so hard not to fail in this Abundant Life promised us and am so afraid that I will miss out on what God has for me, that I accomplish my fears and miss out on Life. I try to stand on my own feet, thinking it is the right way to get to where I need to go, only I end up upside down.
When am I going to believe the Gospel?
When am I going to start to trust that all is taken care of and accomplished for me, and I am freed to live as I was intended to, all because Christ came and died, rose again, and gave us His Spirit to live in us, and quicken us to Life?
When am I going to flip upside down and start living the Kingdom way?
I need to die to find life.
I need to risk loving to be loved. This is not to say I can think of loving acts as a means to the end of getting my needs met, as if I just need to strategize and manipulate others to cause things to happen. I need to truly regard this lingering and compelling drive to control my life as the death of me, and toss it aside, not trusting that I can wield fortune for myself. Only then will I find life when I'm not looking for it. Only then will God have the room to move in me to be a blessing to others. Only then will I discover that it is in the union with my God that Life occurs.
Is this not completely absurd? The world does not comprehend this. It is foolishness. It is fantasy. It is fanatic. It is "unhealthy." According to the world, the Kingdom way is upside down and leads to craziness.
But being upside down is what puts us rightly in place for Life. I am dying for Life.
I am dying for it.