Awake?

There are references in Scripture to a call or command for sleepers to awake from slumber. I can't help but wonder if that's not what's wrong with the world, both for followers and others. I don't know where the last two weeks have gone. Do you ever feel like you lost days/weeks/months/years? For me, I feel more alive when I'm close to God and I'm pursuing that relationship. The last few weeks, I haven't done that at all. It resulted in that sleepy feeling, like I lost that time to lethargy. I'm not advocating becoming an insomniac. I merely want to reflect on the need for intentionality. What drives us? Are we doing the things that are important to us? Or do we go with the flow, allowing the current to dictate our every move? I believe (no, I want to believe more strongly) the scripture that says to seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will be given to you.

So my greatest concern right now is to get a good job, one that will work well with my desired career path, aka not Starbucks. I went into my move back to Denver wanting to trust fully in God, seeking him first, and trusting He would open doors for a truly amazing opportunity. Let's just say I'm not very good at fully trusting God. My question: what does it mean to abide in Christ, to be one with him, to draw our strength and abilities from the Vine (John 15)? How?

Okay, it's about time

So I moved to Colorado. It's as nice as I remember. Moving is hard though... I'm thinking specifically about furniture issues. I finally got my kitchen table that I bought like a week and a half ago. Got one the first time and it had screws sticking through the top of the table. Tried to pick up a new one and it hadn't come in yet (despite them telling me it was minutes before leaving to go get it). I finally got it, but I realized I wasn't having a good attitude about it. Well, my attitude was horrible with the customer service reps I talked to. Granted, our society entitles a customer to be treated well and taken care of well if they are wronged. But I was mean on the phone and gave people a hard time when they didn't deserve it.

It got me thinking. How much more enticed will reps be to help me with my table problems if I treated them with patience, tolerance, and kindness? I lost an opportunity to share Christ's love by acting like He would had. Instead, I made her day that much more unpleasant.

What would the world look like if Christians acted like Christ? What would the world look like if the Kingdom of God reigned over all?

We have a map of the World on our wall in the apartment. I thought how different it would look if humanity had never fallen... if God the Creator and the Lord Jesus directly interacted with us, and we were as we were intended...

I don't think there would be any borders. There may be to section off names of places, but there would be no division, no hostility, no war. There would by no means be government. Can you imagine a world where every leader was under the authority of a loving God?

Anyways, those are a few thoughts I've had lately.

The Christian Basics (at least my take)

Below are questions asked of me about my faith/religion/etc.

Faith:

What does it mean to be a Christian? Does it entail certain actions, beliefs, practices, etc? If so, what?

A Christian is one who identifies Christ as his or her means of salvation, but a devout follower is who further acts upon that relationship, believing they are in need of pursuing God more.

What is "faith" in God? What does it mean to "put your trust in the Lord"?

Faith in God is the belief that God will take care of the worries and hardships in life and death, that there is no need to control or manage the safety/security/comfort of one’s life.

Church:

Is church important?

Church is important in the sense that we are the Body of Christ, and without exposure to it, and participation in it, we miss out on the design that God intended us to experience.

How connected are the practices of attending church and your relationship with God?

Connected in the sense that one can experience/participate in a corporate worshipping of God, receive support, and provide service to God.

Why go? Why not go? What do we get out of church/what are we supposed to get out of church? (That question could get very idealistic, but lets stick to our actual lives and experiences)

We go because it keeps us rooted in the faith, serving as a reminder of what we believe, who we follow, why we need to look/act differently.

Devotions:

How do you connect with God? Do you remember any times when God has transformed you? (Connected: does God transform us? Are we supposed to be transformed? From what, to what?)

Through prayer, worship, listening, serving, & obeying. I’ve felt differently due to events God has orchestrated, changing my behaviors. The Holy Spirit has stirred new thoughts or feelings within me, changing my outlook and actions. I think God’s intent is to transform us from Prodigals to Heirs, from the pig trough to the Dinner Table, from the rags to the royal robes, from isolation to the embrace of the Father.

Why do you spend time with God? Why don't you? Does it need to be a rigid practice? (like praying/reading the bible for an hour per day)

I spend time with God to eventually accept the truth of my identity in Christ. I don’t because I fear that intimacy and don’t want to become vulnerable, and abandoned. Pride is a comforting distraction, sin appears absolutely logical and productive for survival. It never was designed to be rigid; those things become rigid with improper motivation. Do you want to work for your salvation or better know your loving Father?

What keeps you from God?

The fear and pride and comfort of sin.

What does the Bible say about this stuff? Is it right? (That 2nd question can go in a lot of different ways, but I generally mean, does what the Bible say about being close/far from God resonate with you - so yes, it is a personally relativistic 'right' in this case)

I would like to believe my understanding is based in Scripture, though I can’t say particularly where for specific examples.

Worship:

How do you prefer to worship God? (Singing, serving, etc. - be specific)

I prefer to worship, allowing the Holy Spirit be the music leader, directing its flow like a dance. Also, by thinking and speaking about the things of God with friends. Through writing, art, acts of kindness or becoming the servant.

Are there right and wrong ways to worship God?

It is not worship if it bolsters one’s ego and turns attention away from the Triune God.

Where is your worship life at right now? Aka, do you need to kick your own ass? (This presupposes a question: do we have to want to worship God in order to worship him? Do we have to have a right heart set? If so, how do we get to that place when we aren't there?)

To address the presumption, yes, one needs to desire to worship God to do so. One can end up at that heart’s place by two means: the Holy Spirit’s calling or intervention, or by intentionally seeking God’s heart, either through thought or action (but the Holy Spirit always plays a role in the enhanced richness of the worship experience – when communion with God is attained – despite what one believes he or she experiences).

So my Blog used to be called...

"Proof There is a God."

I still feel pretty inadequate, but I saw this documentary on the History Channel, and the evidence is legitimate. Check out the next airing if you can. I think it is awesome the way God can orchestrate all of it and it attests to the love He has for his people, an invitation that is still open to all. Granted, it is hard to digest the fact that people were killed as a means, but I have the rest of my life to figure that stuff out about God. My experience, and that's all I can unwaveringly attest to, says God is loving and faithful. Anyways... check out the Exodus Decoded... it is powerful.

The Will of God

I imagined being a boy again. Isn't that fun... going back to the days of your youth, from that perspective, even if only in your imagination? I imagine riding my bike to my friend's house, enjoying more the ride home of course... downhill speeds and minimal pedaling... oh yeah! The sun's rays would speckle the ground through the trees' canopy... slow-motion as I lean to and fro, slaloming down my block. The joy, the innocence, the warmth... life is at its best in that moment.
If I were to have my own autobiographical movie, I'd have fun creating the background music. Jason Upton sings about this whistle in the Will of God. There is this whistle in God's Will. Isn't that beautiful? Imagine this whistle (or better yet, listen to the song) as the background music to one of the scenes of your youth. When I do, I get this sense of peace, this incredible peace and satisfaction with life, like it would be all too soon for the moment to end... Heaven would be this moment for eternity.
The problem lies in the fact that we age, and in so doing, lose innocence... We get hurt and start closing our hearts to others, and God. I think that's why finding Jesus for the first time is so great... exciting. We get to reclaim that innocence, to surrender our hearts to the Lord, and it is great! But again, the problem lies in the fact that we age (as believers), and in so doing, lose trust of God to protect us, to love us. The world screams the opposite, that no one is safe to trust... "Watch out for yourself! Lower your guard to no one... you will only be taken advantage of, or abandoned... better to stay closed off!"
Looking back to my youth, I remember no vicious fear of losing security. My parents were gods, impenetrable to attack or failure. Isn't that how God is really? Isn't our image of God reflective of our parents' image, even after maturity, when we grow distant... Now, in my life, my devotion to God is set... I will always be in the Body of Christ, always returning home as the prodigal, day after day, month after month, etc. But my image of God hold many disappointments still... and I know the Gospel! I know there are errors in my perceptual set of God!

So the question is this: how do we reconcile our understanding of God, thus learning to trust him whole-heartedly, as a child does his father? Isn't that the very nature of the Will of God, to know and act as the Children of God that we are?
Our fears get in the way of our relationship with God. We fear, so we react poorly, filling our insecurity with shiny things... idols. How my pride sparkles! It shimmers and blinds me... I don't even see my fear anymore, I'm too distracted. Or the glistening flesh found a mouse-click or two away... get enough of that and I'll feel safe... for a while. Or simply give everyone what they want to see, reserved, distinguished, mysterious... don't dare make things awkward or ruffle others' feathers! "No, stay under the radar and you'll be approved by them, and that will be enough for you."

I want to hear that whistle again... I want to experience that peace, that warmth as the whistle reverberates through my mind and heart and I know I am surrounded by grace and the strength of the Lord. It is easy being a kid, a child of God. Daddy carries the burden! Hell, Daddy carries me!!! And the only voice you hear, the only voice that carries any weight is Daddy's, for his word is the Law! What a great peace to trust the Father.

Why, then, is it so hard to hear Him now? Have we so forgotten to listen that we don't recognize when he does call?

"Only your will fills...
The void inside of me.
There's a whistle in your will...
Your yoke is easy,
Your burden is so light...
It's the bondage breaker...
The Will of the Lord...
And your whistle,
It blows off all the stuff

That tries to push me along
And move me forward,
And your whistle sets me free

Open our ears, O God...
Rise, O God, and break off
that Man-pleasing Spirit…

The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom…
Break off that man-pleasing spirit…
The spirit that leads us into foolishness,
The spirit that leads us into foolish ways
Open up our ears…
to hear you sing over us,
to hear your whistle, O God…"

- Jason Upton Whistle of Your Will
(from Dying Star)

The Love of The Father

I've been saturated in thought over the idea of God loving us. It is really easy to dismiss, overlook, minimize the concept and its importance. I'm listening to Jason Upton right now. He sings with a raw passion, deeply desperate for intimacy with God. And his lyrics speak of an intense love God has for us, for me. Can God really love us as much as we hear from followers, from the Bible? Does God really consider us his children, his Beloved? I am not a father, so I have never held a child in my arms as my own son or daughter, so I don't know what that kind of love is fully like. I think I struggle with this picture of fatherly love also because we are under the human condition where love does break down, where fear and/or pride get in the way of full expression of love and full reception of love being given and received.

Early memories of my Christian walk are met with nostalgic envy, for I recall it being so easy to be excited about God. I remember a time several weeks or months after my "conversion" (the day I prayed for Jesus to enter my heart and life to be Lord) where I was standing on top of my chair, hands raised, tears blinding me, snot nearly choking me as it ran from my nose, soaking my shirt. Why I was crying is hard justify to one not familiar with the concept and experience of the Holy Spirit. In that fresh, new experience of being with God, feeling his presence around me, I was overwhelmed with joy. Part of me was sad and regretful of my brokenness as a young kid. Part of me was madly in love with Jesus and the idea that he loved me. Over the years, I have often lost that intense gratitude and understanding. I envy the passion I had in my youth. I look over my life and my understanding of my relationship with God now, as a twenty three year old graduate, and honestly, I feel alone.

A quick truth about the followers of God: The only difference between followers and those not interested in the things of God is the hope that we can that we will not lose our connection to God. We still are spiteful, conniving, selfish, lustful, annoyed, angry, happy, sad, giving, dishonest, resentful, forgiving... just like everyone else. Why? Because we all are human, broken but human. Followers hold on to the hope of staying connected with God because we see the need to change and trust God is powerful and righteous enough to lead us away from brokenness into redemption. We see Jesus' work on the cross as a means to atone us and make us more like God, who is all loving and forgiving, selfless and giving.

Okay, so it wasn't too quick, but my point is I still feel alone sometimes, even though I claim having a personal relationship with God. Why do I feel alone? In part, I am to blame for I flee from God... I'm the friend who doesn't return phone calls and avoids people out of insecurity. I feel insecure around God most of the time. Not all the time, like when his love renders me powerless to resist his comfort. But when I do resist, and pull away, I feel lonely, alone and isolated. I am to blame, but there are times when I wonder if God does choose to remain hidden or distant, whether to teach an important lesson of discipline (for example) or what not... Who know really but God?

What do I want to say? That I am no different than anyone else except my hope to find God active in my life, so that He can help me change into a better person. I am certain the key to that is letting God be my Loving Father, and fully receiving his love. The key is to find in my heart the place to intimately cry out "Daddy" and trust God hears and undoubtedly will respond in kind with abundance.

I want to say that is my deepest prayer, to be so intimate with God, and that everyone on this earth will be the same. There is a lot of brokenness, fear, pride, sin... there is a lot that keep me from knowing that, that keeps all of us from knowing that. Ideally, those following find that identity and become strengthened and empowered, teaching and guiding more and more toward God and his message of hope. Ideally, I learn it and lead.

A question to end with that can double as a prayer request: God, do you at times intentionally withhold your followers, your children from drawing deeper in intimacy with you, or is it our brokenness to blame? Is it my brokenness? If our brokenness, could you pour your Holy Spirit out in abundance to accelerate our progressive salvation, that we may learn to trust you more and more with our care? If your withholding, can you increase our patience for your coming and our obedience to what we know for certain, that you may be pleased with us?

You say,
"Come up here, come up now
My Beloved, My Beloved..."
Here I come oh Lord...
In the midst,
In the midst of heartache, oh God
In the midst of brokennes, oh Lord
Even like John on the Isle of Patmos, oh Lord
In the midst of persecution, Lord
I look up, I look up, oh Lord
I look up, oh Lord
And I see in the heavens, oh Lord
I see your door, Lord, standing wide open, Lord
Wide open, Lord
And I hear with my ears,
I hear your voice that sounds like a trumpet, Lord
Sounds like a trumpet, Lord
And you're calling out to me,
"Child come up here, beloved come up here,
Come up here and hear my voice,
Come up here and see what I want to do,
...come, my Beloved, come...
You are my Beloved...
Don't let anyone,
Don't let anything hold you back."

- Jason Upton (Come Up Here)

For Those Who Join Me In Wanting More

I really have no idea what I'm going to write. I'm mainly writing out of a feeling that it's needed and important to sort through things, but I have no idea what yet. I am hoping the things will come to mind and out in words on their own. THe song playing right now keeps repeating "everything is going to be all right." It's funny, most times I don't believe that. Deep down, I feel like I'm failing. Maybe I am.

I started reading a book a couple nights ago. It's called To Own a Dragon by Don Miller. It about his journey through figuring out what it means not to have a father around and how that made things harder for him. I grew up and still have my father around. Well, he's around, but hasn't really been there for me, emotionally. I can relate a lot with Don in his struggles, in the lies he's had to confront and deal with due to not having a dad around. One of his chapters addressed how parents should instill in their children a confidence and sense of urgent importance for their existence in the world.

I had a professor say the only reason we have kids (or at least the big reason) is to feed our egos, to continue the pride of our lineage, to remain alive vicariously through our children. He was a bit messed up.

I never felt like my existence was all that important, at least I never picked up the notion that was true from my father or mother. I knew they loved me. I also knew I annoyed them a lot, being a kid, tormenting my sister. I know I confused them, or intimidated them, being a distant, confused, scared teenager. I played it off as anger or annoyance at them, but it was fear.

I never felt the world was worse off without me, but I never felt lived through vicarously through my father, to ego boost him. He isn't that kind of man, and I'm glad. But I'm not in a way because at least in that way I would have felt like I had a purpose, that I was in some way important to my dad. I didn't get the message to much. I think I have been taught to mainly assume I'm important, that even though it is never said, it is true. It's not good enough, nor do I think it should be.

So I guess much of what I am thinking through currently is how my father-son relationship has shaped the way I view the world, how there are false perceptions I live by that make it more difficult, that there is a different perspective, a true reality to live and think by. Am I failing? I think I am because I have seen the truth and choose to live under the lies. I don't really no why I choose the lies; they're not as fun to believe as the truth that I am irreplaceable and world-shaking.

So I am a failure! If my mom reads this, she'll probably get all upset and tell me not to think like that. But my mom do not think alike. I will admit, a couple months ago I would have agreed, there's something wrong with me for thinking that way. But now, I am in a place where God is a little bigger than I once thought. I little more capable than I thought, a little more loving.

I was watching TV with my mom and we turned to the Dateline special "To Catch a Predator." She asked me what's wrong with some people, and I shared my thought that it was all a result of the Fall of Man. I do not do well talking about spiritual matters with my family, so I didn't elaborate any more than to say they were no worse people than ourselves. She made a comment that she didn't rape little children, and I knew I got in over my head.

What I wanted to say but didn't was that I am a sinner just like the pedophiles on that show. No I don't prey on the weak, but I sin in other ways, in the way I sit around most of the day doing nothing of importance or merit, or in the way I lust over the female image. In God's sight, I still choose things outside His will to satisfy my heart's desire that destroy my soul, just like the pedophiles destroy their soul by feeding a carnal desire. I won't get into the argument that certain sins are worse than others, for a good argument can be made to support that claim, especailly when others are hurt or destroyed in the wake of the destructive act. But my point is that sin is sin, and all of it, any of it drives us away from the only one who is good and right for us.

Am I upset that I am failing this part of my life? Not really. I would have been if God hadn't taught me some stuff. Well, it's not really a new thought, just a better understanding of it. It's the Gospel that gets me through the disappointment of failure. The Gospel of Jesus. I know more clearly than ever before that my sins, my failures have no hold over my worth. Because Jesus chose to die on a cross, I have a freedom to fail and be forgiven and redeemed. Yeah, I could choose to run away from God and avoid Him, and I would indeed be in a sad state, a state many are in and think is the only way to be, so separated from knowing the joy that comes from knowing God that they know no other way to be. I have lived that way, have tasted the sweetness of God's way and yet still chose darkness, and it was bad, and depressing and harmful. But God shepherded me away from that and taught me the better way, the way of grace. The Gospel of Jesus is this: that the scared, directionless, lazy young man who wastes his days in front of a TV can at any moment look to God and be redeemed and empowered to make more out of his life, to live like the prince that he is through the inheritance given him by his Kingly Father in Heaven. Even more, when the prince runs away despite knowing his riches, and lives with dogs and dines with pigs, the Father in Heaven still finds a love with no end to welcome him home and restore his glory.

There is tremendous value in our depravity, for it reveals the love of God for all of us when He recreates us and makes us new. And it all comes down to his love. It is everthing. Everything. If I didn't know the Love of God, I would die, I would want to die. This life is too painful without hoping for something more. The more is available and attainable in God.

Graduated... Weird

So this last weekend I spent my Saturday with my parents and Grandparents graduating from College. That's a little weird. It was five years ago when I graduated from High School. That was cool. I still felt young back then. Now I feel older and in need to be responsible. Is it normal to want to resist that as much as possible, the whole responsibility thing? I recently have been developing a friendship with someone who loves to act like a kid. She makes smiley faces with the food on her plate, she plays in the hail even when it is pummeling her. She makes me think if it is possible to still be a kid and be a resonsibile adult, and my conclusion is that you can. She does, get things done that is, while holding onto her youthful side. I admire her for that and want to learn how to tap into that.

I think I forget to have fun a lot of the time. Here I am, out of school essentially for the next few years (well, almost [stupid Spanish test]), in need to begin a responsible life, and yet there is a side to me that loves the idea of wandering the US, scraping by by doing street performance or selling origami or something. I long for adventure. I really want to be an old grandpa one day and have the most amazing stories to tell my grandkids about what went on right now in my life.

Everyone keeps asking me what is next for me, what my plans are for the future. I've come to terms with that... The whole not knowing thing and the fact that the question is unavoidable. I don't know what's next, and I like that. It's mysterious, not knowing. I may live in Colorado again in seven and a half weeks, working for my Alma Mater, I don't know. I may be a bum, bumming off my parents... again and still. I may be finding a girlfriend, I may be in Nicaragua within the year, I may be settled at a nice job in CA. I may get in an accident and die, I may win the lottery. I just don't know and it's okay. It is good.

I see the Lord in the present. He's in my circumstances. He's not in a panic, looking around, expecting danger to jump out at any moment. He's at peace and joyful and fixed on my face, waiting for me to look back on him. I am and I will continue to. I do not fear what's next, if I will succeed, whether I will be happy. I already know the answer. Regardless of where I go, what I do, who I'm with, one companion I trust will be by my side and that is Christ. And that is all the difference in the world, for I know my path is good when He is in my life guiding me.

I've been meditating on a passage of Scripture and I want to share it. Philippians 3:7-4:1 says:

But whatever was to my profit I now consider loss for the sake of Christ. What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ - the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead. I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus. All of us who are mature should take such a view of things. And if on some point you think differently, that too God will make clear to you. Only let us live up to what we have already attained. Join with others in following my example, brothers, and take note of those who live according to the pattern we gave you. For, as I have often told you before and now say again even with tears, many live as enemies of the cross of Christ. Their destiny is destruction, their god is their stomach, and their glory is in their shame. Their mind is on earthly things. But our citizenship is in heaven. And we eagerly await a Savior from there, the Lord Jesus Christ, who, by the power that enables him to bring everything under his control, will transform our lowly bodies so that they will be like his glorious body. Therefore, my brothers, you whom I love and long for, my joy and crown, that is how you should stand firm in the Lord, dear friends!

There are years that could be spent digesting all that rich word, but to only begin a nibble, may I say I desire Paul's heart for myself. I want to be that focused on Christ, for He alone is enough to get through it, and all others who say there is another way or it needn't be so extreme are liars or immature in the faith, or scared to walk that path themselves, rationalizing away the need. I don't want to be an enemy of the cross of Christ. I want to "continue to work out my salvation with fear and trembling" (Phil 2:12).

I may come off as extreme, but I feel passionately that many are lying to themselves, ignoring their God-given consciences, convincing themselves that there is no need to seek God fervently. There is a need, a strong need and all those who don't are wasting precious time. I love and find hope in the fact that Christ eagerly awaits the moment a heart turns toward him and that salvation is readily available even on a dying breath. But I fear many who have heard the good news of Christ love, avoid the issue of their rebellion and give in to the fatigue of the race, losing pace, dosing off during a rest, sleeping precious moments of life and opportuntiy away. I've been there and failed like that. I'm done with that sloth. How many, though, are still sleeping?