Yeah, I'm doing another graveyard shift at work. The door down the hall has been creeking all night. I'm ready for bed, but got a couple more hours left. Trying to stay busy to not fall asleep. A little paranoid some boys are trying to do something behind my back.
An update, I'm a counselor now, have been one for quite a while. Keeping up with paperwork and trying to find time to meet with clients is hard. But I'm holding the line more, sticking to the rules. The kids don't like it.
I'm leading a trip to Nicaragua in a couple weeks. Not even! We leave in ten days. Wow. Okay, not ready, but that's alright.
Be right back, gotta check rooms real quick... Back.
Life is going by fast. It's mid-March. I haven't taken the GRE yet. I need to to see which colleges to apply for grad school.
But I feel I need to slow down too. It's weird. I'm doing what I need to do, but right now, I feel a little panicked. That I'm not getting things done. That I'm forgetting stuff, missing stuff.
Better go finish laundry.
Until May (most likely).
Tuesday, March 13, 2007
Wednesday, December 20, 2006
The working life
I have been at my new job for nearly two months now and just now am getting around to writing about it. I work at a boys residential treatment center in the mountains of Colorado. Technically, I'm a Child Care Worker as of now, but will eventually have clients to counsel, so then I will be a Milieu Counselor. I work four days a week, ten hours a day. Right now, I'm working overtime pulling a graveyard shift. We all get a couple of those a month so that someone can watch over the boys, since they need constant supervision. Most of the boys here are court appointed, either for drug/alcohol abuse or sexual offense.
It is the hardest thing I've ever done...
Within the first few weeks, I had already experienced my first fight break out. I was put in charge of watching twelve boys in a narrow kitchen for about an hour as the other staff and upper level (more responsible/reliable) boys calmed down and de-escalated the ones fighting.
Apparently I handled myself pretty well... if they say so.
A lot of the time I feel like I will never figure this job out, at other times the sense of dread subsides and it can be fun hanging out with the kids.
The first couple weeks were hard. I didn't know any of the rules, didn't know the kids and their personalities, tendencies... didn't have their respect and were constantly tested and manipulated. I still am sometimes, but it isn't as bad.
I had a review around day forty, and was told I need to discipline the boys more... to show I can manage the floor more assertively. I was screwed up the rest of the day emotionally. Call it insecurity. It was the first time in my life I wasn't above average at, except for minor league baseball... but who cares if you can't throw from first to third?...
The big thing in this field, in this setting, is the commitment. They want a year commitment. They give you three months to decide if it is a good fit for you. The boys doubt at first if someone is going to bail out on them... it really affects the boys the most, whether someone sticks around. They don't always have a lot of people in their lives who care enough to help them change. That part of the job excites me. The process is dirty, but the goal is noble. It's hard to keep that perspective each hour of each day...
It is the hardest thing I've ever done...
Within the first few weeks, I had already experienced my first fight break out. I was put in charge of watching twelve boys in a narrow kitchen for about an hour as the other staff and upper level (more responsible/reliable) boys calmed down and de-escalated the ones fighting.
Apparently I handled myself pretty well... if they say so.
A lot of the time I feel like I will never figure this job out, at other times the sense of dread subsides and it can be fun hanging out with the kids.
The first couple weeks were hard. I didn't know any of the rules, didn't know the kids and their personalities, tendencies... didn't have their respect and were constantly tested and manipulated. I still am sometimes, but it isn't as bad.
I had a review around day forty, and was told I need to discipline the boys more... to show I can manage the floor more assertively. I was screwed up the rest of the day emotionally. Call it insecurity. It was the first time in my life I wasn't above average at, except for minor league baseball... but who cares if you can't throw from first to third?...
The big thing in this field, in this setting, is the commitment. They want a year commitment. They give you three months to decide if it is a good fit for you. The boys doubt at first if someone is going to bail out on them... it really affects the boys the most, whether someone sticks around. They don't always have a lot of people in their lives who care enough to help them change. That part of the job excites me. The process is dirty, but the goal is noble. It's hard to keep that perspective each hour of each day...
Wednesday, October 11, 2006
Awake?
There are references in Scripture to a call or command for sleepers to awake from slumber. I can't help but wonder if that's not what's wrong with the world, both for followers and others. I don't know where the last two weeks have gone. Do you ever feel like you lost days/weeks/months/years? For me, I feel more alive when I'm close to God and I'm pursuing that relationship. The last few weeks, I haven't done that at all. It resulted in that sleepy feeling, like I lost that time to lethargy. I'm not advocating becoming an insomniac. I merely want to reflect on the need for intentionality. What drives us? Are we doing the things that are important to us? Or do we go with the flow, allowing the current to dictate our every move? I believe (no, I want to believe more strongly) the scripture that says to seek first the Kingdom of God and everything else will be given to you.
So my greatest concern right now is to get a good job, one that will work well with my desired career path, aka not Starbucks. I went into my move back to Denver wanting to trust fully in God, seeking him first, and trusting He would open doors for a truly amazing opportunity. Let's just say I'm not very good at fully trusting God. My question: what does it mean to abide in Christ, to be one with him, to draw our strength and abilities from the Vine (John 15)? How?
So my greatest concern right now is to get a good job, one that will work well with my desired career path, aka not Starbucks. I went into my move back to Denver wanting to trust fully in God, seeking him first, and trusting He would open doors for a truly amazing opportunity. Let's just say I'm not very good at fully trusting God. My question: what does it mean to abide in Christ, to be one with him, to draw our strength and abilities from the Vine (John 15)? How?
Friday, September 29, 2006
Okay, it's about time
So I moved to Colorado. It's as nice as I remember. Moving is hard though... I'm thinking specifically about furniture issues. I finally got my kitchen table that I bought like a week and a half ago. Got one the first time and it had screws sticking through the top of the table. Tried to pick up a new one and it hadn't come in yet (despite them telling me it was minutes before leaving to go get it). I finally got it, but I realized I wasn't having a good attitude about it. Well, my attitude was horrible with the customer service reps I talked to. Granted, our society entitles a customer to be treated well and taken care of well if they are wronged. But I was mean on the phone and gave people a hard time when they didn't deserve it.
It got me thinking. How much more enticed will reps be to help me with my table problems if I treated them with patience, tolerance, and kindness? I lost an opportunity to share Christ's love by acting like He would had. Instead, I made her day that much more unpleasant.
What would the world look like if Christians acted like Christ? What would the world look like if the Kingdom of God reigned over all?
We have a map of the World on our wall in the apartment. I thought how different it would look if humanity had never fallen... if God the Creator and the Lord Jesus directly interacted with us, and we were as we were intended...
I don't think there would be any borders. There may be to section off names of places, but there would be no division, no hostility, no war. There would by no means be government. Can you imagine a world where every leader was under the authority of a loving God?
Anyways, those are a few thoughts I've had lately.
It got me thinking. How much more enticed will reps be to help me with my table problems if I treated them with patience, tolerance, and kindness? I lost an opportunity to share Christ's love by acting like He would had. Instead, I made her day that much more unpleasant.
What would the world look like if Christians acted like Christ? What would the world look like if the Kingdom of God reigned over all?
We have a map of the World on our wall in the apartment. I thought how different it would look if humanity had never fallen... if God the Creator and the Lord Jesus directly interacted with us, and we were as we were intended...
I don't think there would be any borders. There may be to section off names of places, but there would be no division, no hostility, no war. There would by no means be government. Can you imagine a world where every leader was under the authority of a loving God?
Anyways, those are a few thoughts I've had lately.
Friday, August 25, 2006
The Christian Basics (at least my take)
Below are questions asked of me about my faith/religion/etc.
Faith:
What does it mean to be a Christian? Does it entail certain actions,
A Christian is one who identifies Christ as his or her means of salvation, but a devout follower is who further acts upon that relationship, believing they are in need of pursuing God more.
What is "faith" in God? What does it mean to "put your trust in the Lord"?
Faith in God is the belief that God will take care of the worries and hardships in life and death, that there is no need to control or manage the safety/security/comfort of one’s life.
Church:
Is church important?
Church is important in the sense that we are the Body of Christ, and without exposure to it, and participation in it, we miss out on the design that God intended us to experience.
How connected are the practices of attending church and your relationship with God?
Connected in the sense that one can experience/participate in a corporate worshipping of God, receive support, and provide service to God.
Why go? Why not go? What do we get out of church/what are we supposed to get out of church? (That question could get very idealistic, but lets stick to our actual lives and experiences)
We go because it keeps us rooted in the faith, serving as a reminder of what we believe, who we follow, why we need to look/act differently.
Devotions:
How do you connect with God? Do you remember any times when God has
Through prayer, worship, listening, serving, & obeying. I’ve felt differently due to events God has orchestrated, changing my behaviors. The Holy Spirit has stirred new thoughts or feelings within me, changing my outlook and actions. I think God’s intent is to transform us from Prodigals to Heirs, from the pig trough to the Dinner Table, from the rags to the royal robes, from isolation to the embrace of the Father.
Why do you spend time with God? Why don't you? Does it need to be a rigid practice? (like praying/reading the bible for an hour per day)
I spend time with God to eventually accept the truth of my identity in Christ. I don’t because I fear that intimacy and don’t want to become vulnerable, and abandoned. Pride is a comforting distraction, sin appears absolutely logical and productive for survival. It never was designed to be rigid; those things become rigid with improper motivation. Do you want to work for your salvation or better know your loving Father?
What keeps you from God?
The fear and pride and comfort of sin.
What does the Bible say about this stuff? Is it right? (That 2nd question can go in a lot of different ways, but I generally mean, does what the Bible say about being close/far from God resonate with you - so yes, it is a personally relativistic 'right' in this case)
I would like to believe my understanding is based in Scripture, though I can’t say particularly where for specific examples.
Worship:
How do you prefer to worship God? (Singing, serving, etc. - be specific)
I prefer to worship, allowing the Holy Spirit be the music leader, directing its flow like a dance. Also, by thinking and speaking about the things of God with friends. Through writing, art, acts of kindness or becoming the servant.
Are there right and wrong ways to worship God?
It is not worship if it bolsters one’s ego and turns attention away from the Triune God.
Where is your worship life at right now? Aka, do you need to kick your own ass? (This presupposes a question: do we have to want to worship God in order to worship him? Do we have to have a right heart set? If so, how do we get to that place when we aren't there?)
To address the presumption, yes, one needs to desire to worship God to do so. One can end up at that heart’s place by two means: the Holy Spirit’s calling or intervention, or by intentionally seeking God’s heart, either through thought or action (but the Holy Spirit always plays a role in the enhanced richness of the worship experience – when communion with God is attained – despite what one believes he or she experiences).
Tuesday, August 22, 2006
So my Blog used to be called...
"Proof There is a God."
I still feel pretty inadequate, but I saw this documentary on the History Channel, and the evidence is legitimate. Check out the next airing if you can. I think it is awesome the way God can orchestrate all of it and it attests to the love He has for his people, an invitation that is still open to all. Granted, it is hard to digest the fact that people were killed as a means, but I have the rest of my life to figure that stuff out about God. My experience, and that's all I can unwaveringly attest to, says God is loving and faithful. Anyways... check out the Exodus Decoded... it is powerful.
I still feel pretty inadequate, but I saw this documentary on the History Channel, and the evidence is legitimate. Check out the next airing if you can. I think it is awesome the way God can orchestrate all of it and it attests to the love He has for his people, an invitation that is still open to all. Granted, it is hard to digest the fact that people were killed as a means, but I have the rest of my life to figure that stuff out about God. My experience, and that's all I can unwaveringly attest to, says God is loving and faithful. Anyways... check out the Exodus Decoded... it is powerful.
Tuesday, August 01, 2006
The Will of God
I imagined being a boy again. Isn't that fun... going back to the days of your youth, from that perspective, even if only in your imagination? I imagine riding my bike to my friend's house, enjoying more the ride home of course... downhill speeds and minimal pedaling... oh yeah! The sun's rays would speckle the ground through the trees' canopy... slow-motion as I lean to and fro, slaloming down my block. The joy, the innocence, the warmth... life is at its best in that moment.
If I were to have my own autobiographical movie, I'd have fun creating the background music. Jason Upton sings about this whistle in the Will of God. There is this whistle in God's Will. Isn't that beautiful? Imagine this whistle (or better yet, listen to the song) as the background music to one of the scenes of your youth. When I do, I get this sense of peace, this incredible peace and satisfaction with life, like it would be all too soon for the moment to end... Heaven would be this moment for eternity.
The problem lies in the fact that we age, and in so doing, lose innocence... We get hurt and start closing our hearts to others, and God. I think that's why finding Jesus for the first time is so great... exciting. We get to reclaim that innocence, to surrender our hearts to the Lord, and it is great! But again, the problem lies in the fact that we age (as believers), and in so doing, lose trust of God to protect us, to love us. The world screams the opposite, that no one is safe to trust... "Watch out for yourself! Lower your guard to no one... you will only be taken advantage of, or abandoned... better to stay closed off!"
Looking back to my youth, I remember no vicious fear of losing security. My parents were gods, impenetrable to attack or failure. Isn't that how God is really? Isn't our image of God reflective of our parents' image, even after maturity, when we grow distant... Now, in my life, my devotion to God is set... I will always be in the Body of Christ, always returning home as the prodigal, day after day, month after month, etc. But my image of God hold many disappointments still... and I know the Gospel! I know there are errors in my perceptual set of God!
So the question is this: how do we reconcile our understanding of God, thus learning to trust him whole-heartedly, as a child does his father? Isn't that the very nature of the Will of God, to know and act as the Children of God that we are?
Our fears get in the way of our relationship with God. We fear, so we react poorly, filling our insecurity with shiny things... idols. How my pride sparkles! It shimmers and blinds me... I don't even see my fear anymore, I'm too distracted. Or the glistening flesh found a mouse-click or two away... get enough of that and I'll feel safe... for a while. Or simply give everyone what they want to see, reserved, distinguished, mysterious... don't dare make things awkward or ruffle others' feathers! "No, stay under the radar and you'll be approved by them, and that will be enough for you."
I want to hear that whistle again... I want to experience that peace, that warmth as the whistle reverberates through my mind and heart and I know I am surrounded by grace and the strength of the Lord. It is easy being a kid, a child of God. Daddy carries the burden! Hell, Daddy carries me!!! And the only voice you hear, the only voice that carries any weight is Daddy's, for his word is the Law! What a great peace to trust the Father.
Why, then, is it so hard to hear Him now? Have we so forgotten to listen that we don't recognize when he does call?
If I were to have my own autobiographical movie, I'd have fun creating the background music. Jason Upton sings about this whistle in the Will of God. There is this whistle in God's Will. Isn't that beautiful? Imagine this whistle (or better yet, listen to the song) as the background music to one of the scenes of your youth. When I do, I get this sense of peace, this incredible peace and satisfaction with life, like it would be all too soon for the moment to end... Heaven would be this moment for eternity.
The problem lies in the fact that we age, and in so doing, lose innocence... We get hurt and start closing our hearts to others, and God. I think that's why finding Jesus for the first time is so great... exciting. We get to reclaim that innocence, to surrender our hearts to the Lord, and it is great! But again, the problem lies in the fact that we age (as believers), and in so doing, lose trust of God to protect us, to love us. The world screams the opposite, that no one is safe to trust... "Watch out for yourself! Lower your guard to no one... you will only be taken advantage of, or abandoned... better to stay closed off!"
Looking back to my youth, I remember no vicious fear of losing security. My parents were gods, impenetrable to attack or failure. Isn't that how God is really? Isn't our image of God reflective of our parents' image, even after maturity, when we grow distant... Now, in my life, my devotion to God is set... I will always be in the Body of Christ, always returning home as the prodigal, day after day, month after month, etc. But my image of God hold many disappointments still... and I know the Gospel! I know there are errors in my perceptual set of God!
So the question is this: how do we reconcile our understanding of God, thus learning to trust him whole-heartedly, as a child does his father? Isn't that the very nature of the Will of God, to know and act as the Children of God that we are?
Our fears get in the way of our relationship with God. We fear, so we react poorly, filling our insecurity with shiny things... idols. How my pride sparkles! It shimmers and blinds me... I don't even see my fear anymore, I'm too distracted. Or the glistening flesh found a mouse-click or two away... get enough of that and I'll feel safe... for a while. Or simply give everyone what they want to see, reserved, distinguished, mysterious... don't dare make things awkward or ruffle others' feathers! "No, stay under the radar and you'll be approved by them, and that will be enough for you."
I want to hear that whistle again... I want to experience that peace, that warmth as the whistle reverberates through my mind and heart and I know I am surrounded by grace and the strength of the Lord. It is easy being a kid, a child of God. Daddy carries the burden! Hell, Daddy carries me!!! And the only voice you hear, the only voice that carries any weight is Daddy's, for his word is the Law! What a great peace to trust the Father.
Why, then, is it so hard to hear Him now? Have we so forgotten to listen that we don't recognize when he does call?
"Only your will fills...
The void inside of me.
There's a whistle in your will...
Your yoke is easy,
Your burden is so light...
It's the bondage breaker...
The Will of the Lord...
And your whistle,
It blows off all the stuffThat tries to push me along
And move me forward,
And your whistle sets me free
Open our ears, O God...
Rise, O God, and break off
that Man-pleasing Spirit…
The fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom…
Break off that man-pleasing spirit…
The spirit that leads us into foolishness,
The spirit that leads us into foolish ways
Open up our ears…
to hear you sing over us,
to hear your whistle, O God…"- Jason Upton Whistle of Your Will
(from Dying Star)
Monday, July 10, 2006
The Love of The Father
I've been saturated in thought over the idea of God loving us. It is really easy to dismiss, overlook, minimize the concept and its importance. I'm listening to Jason Upton right now. He sings with a raw passion, deeply desperate for intimacy with God. And his lyrics speak of an intense love God has for us, for me. Can God really love us as much as we hear from followers, from the Bible? Does God really consider us his children, his Beloved? I am not a father, so I have never held a child in my arms as my own son or daughter, so I don't know what that kind of love is fully like. I think I struggle with this picture of fatherly love also because we are under the human condition where love does break down, where fear and/or pride get in the way of full expression of love and full reception of love being given and received.
Early memories of my Christian walk are met with nostalgic envy, for I recall it being so easy to be excited about God. I remember a time several weeks or months after my "conversion" (the day I prayed for Jesus to enter my heart and life to be Lord) where I was standing on top of my chair, hands raised, tears blinding me, snot nearly choking me as it ran from my nose, soaking my shirt. Why I was crying is hard justify to one not familiar with the concept and experience of the Holy Spirit. In that fresh, new experience of being with God, feeling his presence around me, I was overwhelmed with joy. Part of me was sad and regretful of my brokenness as a young kid. Part of me was madly in love with Jesus and the idea that he loved me. Over the years, I have often lost that intense gratitude and understanding. I envy the passion I had in my youth. I look over my life and my understanding of my relationship with God now, as a twenty three year old graduate, and honestly, I feel alone.
A quick truth about the followers of God: The only difference between followers and those not interested in the things of God is the hope that we can that we will not lose our connection to God. We still are spiteful, conniving, selfish, lustful, annoyed, angry, happy, sad, giving, dishonest, resentful, forgiving... just like everyone else. Why? Because we all are human, broken but human. Followers hold on to the hope of staying connected with God because we see the need to change and trust God is powerful and righteous enough to lead us away from brokenness into redemption. We see Jesus' work on the cross as a means to atone us and make us more like God, who is all loving and forgiving, selfless and giving.
Okay, so it wasn't too quick, but my point is I still feel alone sometimes, even though I claim having a personal relationship with God. Why do I feel alone? In part, I am to blame for I flee from God... I'm the friend who doesn't return phone calls and avoids people out of insecurity. I feel insecure around God most of the time. Not all the time, like when his love renders me powerless to resist his comfort. But when I do resist, and pull away, I feel lonely, alone and isolated. I am to blame, but there are times when I wonder if God does choose to remain hidden or distant, whether to teach an important lesson of discipline (for example) or what not... Who know really but God?
What do I want to say? That I am no different than anyone else except my hope to find God active in my life, so that He can help me change into a better person. I am certain the key to that is letting God be my Loving Father, and fully receiving his love. The key is to find in my heart the place to intimately cry out "Daddy" and trust God hears and undoubtedly will respond in kind with abundance.
I want to say that is my deepest prayer, to be so intimate with God, and that everyone on this earth will be the same. There is a lot of brokenness, fear, pride, sin... there is a lot that keep me from knowing that, that keeps all of us from knowing that. Ideally, those following find that identity and become strengthened and empowered, teaching and guiding more and more toward God and his message of hope. Ideally, I learn it and lead.
A question to end with that can double as a prayer request: God, do you at times intentionally withhold your followers, your children from drawing deeper in intimacy with you, or is it our brokenness to blame? Is it my brokenness? If our brokenness, could you pour your Holy Spirit out in abundance to accelerate our progressive salvation, that we may learn to trust you more and more with our care? If your withholding, can you increase our patience for your coming and our obedience to what we know for certain, that you may be pleased with us?
Early memories of my Christian walk are met with nostalgic envy, for I recall it being so easy to be excited about God. I remember a time several weeks or months after my "conversion" (the day I prayed for Jesus to enter my heart and life to be Lord) where I was standing on top of my chair, hands raised, tears blinding me, snot nearly choking me as it ran from my nose, soaking my shirt. Why I was crying is hard justify to one not familiar with the concept and experience of the Holy Spirit. In that fresh, new experience of being with God, feeling his presence around me, I was overwhelmed with joy. Part of me was sad and regretful of my brokenness as a young kid. Part of me was madly in love with Jesus and the idea that he loved me. Over the years, I have often lost that intense gratitude and understanding. I envy the passion I had in my youth. I look over my life and my understanding of my relationship with God now, as a twenty three year old graduate, and honestly, I feel alone.
A quick truth about the followers of God: The only difference between followers and those not interested in the things of God is the hope that we can that we will not lose our connection to God. We still are spiteful, conniving, selfish, lustful, annoyed, angry, happy, sad, giving, dishonest, resentful, forgiving... just like everyone else. Why? Because we all are human, broken but human. Followers hold on to the hope of staying connected with God because we see the need to change and trust God is powerful and righteous enough to lead us away from brokenness into redemption. We see Jesus' work on the cross as a means to atone us and make us more like God, who is all loving and forgiving, selfless and giving.
Okay, so it wasn't too quick, but my point is I still feel alone sometimes, even though I claim having a personal relationship with God. Why do I feel alone? In part, I am to blame for I flee from God... I'm the friend who doesn't return phone calls and avoids people out of insecurity. I feel insecure around God most of the time. Not all the time, like when his love renders me powerless to resist his comfort. But when I do resist, and pull away, I feel lonely, alone and isolated. I am to blame, but there are times when I wonder if God does choose to remain hidden or distant, whether to teach an important lesson of discipline (for example) or what not... Who know really but God?
What do I want to say? That I am no different than anyone else except my hope to find God active in my life, so that He can help me change into a better person. I am certain the key to that is letting God be my Loving Father, and fully receiving his love. The key is to find in my heart the place to intimately cry out "Daddy" and trust God hears and undoubtedly will respond in kind with abundance.
I want to say that is my deepest prayer, to be so intimate with God, and that everyone on this earth will be the same. There is a lot of brokenness, fear, pride, sin... there is a lot that keep me from knowing that, that keeps all of us from knowing that. Ideally, those following find that identity and become strengthened and empowered, teaching and guiding more and more toward God and his message of hope. Ideally, I learn it and lead.
A question to end with that can double as a prayer request: God, do you at times intentionally withhold your followers, your children from drawing deeper in intimacy with you, or is it our brokenness to blame? Is it my brokenness? If our brokenness, could you pour your Holy Spirit out in abundance to accelerate our progressive salvation, that we may learn to trust you more and more with our care? If your withholding, can you increase our patience for your coming and our obedience to what we know for certain, that you may be pleased with us?
You say,
"Come up here, come up now
My Beloved, My Beloved..."
Here I come oh Lord...
In the midst,
In the midst of heartache, oh God
In the midst of brokennes, oh Lord
Even like John on the Isle of Patmos, oh Lord
In the midst of persecution, Lord
I look up, I look up, oh Lord
I look up, oh Lord
And I see in the heavens, oh Lord
I see your door, Lord, standing wide open, Lord
Wide open, Lord
And I hear with my ears,
I hear your voice that sounds like a trumpet, Lord
Sounds like a trumpet, Lord
And you're calling out to me,
"Child come up here, beloved come up here,
Come up here and hear my voice,
Come up here and see what I want to do,
...come, my Beloved, come...
You are my Beloved...
Don't let anyone,
Don't let anything hold you back."
- Jason Upton (Come Up Here)
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